|need to vent..........................................
||[Nov. 3rd, 2009|11:19 pm]
|||||"Do I"- Luke Bryan||]|
So here it is day what the heck ever of my seperation. Day's one thru thirty were rough but I began to think it was for the best. Then came day thirty one. Chris showed up showin me all kinds of attention, affection, just like my old chris. We made love, we laughed everything was perfect. Until day thirty three. I asked him if he thought about tryin again. I was told that he was filing, end of story, I'm a piece of crap. Day thirty brought on the cryin' I'm at day ninty now and the tears fall like rain now. The mention of his name, the thought of him sitting beside me, the mear sound of his voice sending me into tears. I can't sleep, I eat to stay alive, I've lost all enjoy in life period. I cry when the kids ask when he's coming home, I cry when Cody say daddy's at work, mommy, he'll be back soon. I lock myself in the bathroom hours on end so the kids can't hear me. I don't know what to say to them. Mommy's tryin' hard to get daddy to come home but he won't? What do you say? Poor Nicole thinks she's done something wrong. She doesnt understand why he ingores her now. Im tryin everything in my power to make this work and all I get is a cold shoulder. I know I had my faults but he did too. Sometimes when I talk to him I feel like he puts all the blame on me. I feel like I do so much apologizing only to get the silent treatment. Only to be told his heart is broke. My heart is broke. My chest is empty. My body is numb. I get angry then upset then try to play my "I'm tuff I'll survive" but I'm not. I'm drowning in grief. At first I thought it was just the emptiness around here I missed. Having someone to talk to. Someone around. But it's not. I miss our jokes, our laugther, our picking. Even in our bad months we always played around. Always talked. Always had something to say. Now he barely talks at all. He's stayed with me a couple nights the last couple weeks. Those nights I slept. I layed my head on his chest and slept. Only to awaken with tears knowing he'd be gone at the first break of daylight. I try to do what this darn book has said on how to recover from a unwanted divorce. Surround yourself with friends it says.. What a joke. I just want to be locked up in this house. I dont do makeup unless he comes over I dont want to be around friends I dont want to do crap. I want to be with him. Locked up in the house, watching the kids play, enjoying our time together. Like right now, I keep calling his voicemail just to hear his voice. He's prob on a date. Some other girl holding him. Nows when the tears start flowing. Me thinkin of what ifs. I've sat here all night hearing trucks hoping that maybe it was his. Maybe. My last shot of hope. My last shot of theres a chance. I texted him eariler today asking him over for dinner. Even made some of his favorite foods.... Egg salad, ham (even made the red eye gravy) homemade biscuits (okay bisquick he knows me well enough), and cucumbers with vinager. Even got a babysitter...... Not a single call, not a single reply text. But I still cooked it all. In hope. There goes that darn hope again. So I sit here all alone waiting for his call..... as I do everynight. Just a good night call. Just a I'm thinkin' of you. I miss you. I love you. But nada. zilch. nuthin.
I keep thinkin' Im okay. I'll move on. Then he shows up. Holds me, makes love to me, reminds me of everything I love about him. And I'm back to page one. Ten years.... Ten years and he can just walk without a single regret. I just dont understand. I texted him today to tell him wheither we try to work it out or not I want him to know I love him with all my heart. He txted me back and said he loved me too. He told me last night he's confused. He doesnt know what he wants but he doesnt wanna get hurt again. He said he cries behind closed doors. This is where I'm confused. If I love him and he loves me, why not try. What not take that extra step. I've told him I dont want it back to the way it was. And I'm willing to make every effort possible to make sure it doesnt go that way. I suggested councilng. I think that went out the window. Never got a reply on that one. I told him last night I was making every effort I could possibly do to make this work and getting nothing in return and he agreed. He didn't want to put any effort into it right now. I read some books on saving marriages and have been tryin that love dare thing. A movie we saw together. I'm on day three now but what a hard thing to do when your not getting any response. We both are at fault for this marriage collasping. I did my list of positives and negatives. Its so quiet in this house I can hear the kitten purring. I dont like this quiet. I dont wanna be left here with my thoughts. I'm sick of cryin. I'm sick of hurting. I'm sick of waiting. I'm sick of being weak. I'm a strong woman. Always have been and now I have the strength of a child. How can he not want to call. How can he go without calling. The more I want the more I know the answer. Hes not goin to try. He thinks the grass is greener on the other side. Nothing I can do. We're seperated. He can screw whoever he wants no matter how bad it hurts me or how bad I want him back. Once again midnight is approaching and I'm still sitting here waiting. Hes prob in bed. Not worryin one bit about what I'm doing. And I sit here like every night waiting for him to show up. Thinkin he'll some busting in that door with open arms, professing his love, wanting me, loving me. But I know in my heart what's gonna happen. He'll never step through that door again. He'll think he's got what he wants until its too late. Until I finally have gotten over my broken heart and moved on. Then he'll want to come home. My heart and head are goin thru so many stages right now. tears, then anger, even denial. All at once. The only stage I cant hit and dont' want to hit is acceptance. I can't accept this right now. My heart wont. I start blaming myself for all our problems. I know that it wasnt all my fault but I do. Thinking if I can change it will fix everything. I need to understand that unless he's willing to change then only fifty percent of our probs would be fixed if he comes home. Can't see to accept that either. ten years. I dont want to spend christmas or thanksgiving without him. I dont want to spend another day without him where we could be making this work. I txt him every mornin and tell him I hope he has a good day. I txt him every night to tell him I love him. I call him and tell him I love him. Why? Just to torture myself, I guess. To see how possibly deep in this depression I can fall. I want to change my status back to married. I want to put my ring back on. I feel sometimes like I'm calling or txtin too much. It's like I just gotta let him know what I feel. I know I need to back off but I can't. I can't stop. I'm scared I'll miss something. Scared I'll miss him telling me what I needed to hear. I miss my best friend. Maybe I should just go try to lay down. Dream of what could have been. Dream of that day......... Dream of the what if, should have, and could beens......
Day Ninty whatever..... Still no better. Possibly even worse. He consumes my daily thoughts. I can't get past them. Everything reminds me of him. Nicole asked tonight when he was coming home. I wish I was answering the question "what time will he be home from work" not the question "is he ever coming back". She said tonight that at least I was better off than Megan. Megan stayed in her room and cried 24-7. Nicole said I was more like 23-6. Just what you want to hear from your child. The kids act out just because they know I'm hurting and don't understand what to do. What do I do? I can't stop tryin. I can't. It's my marriage. He's my husband. I am goin to make this marriage work. I don't want another man in my life with OUR children. I wish he'd talk to me. Say something. Anything. What if he tells me he doesn't want to try. I dont' know if I can possible handle that. I can't get through stage one of this. I think the thing that kills me is we've never actually tried. We have never actually tried. This is killing me. The kids are staring out the window looking for chris. Cody just said "where's daddy"..... I dont think Chris understands this. Maybe it's because he doesn't speak his feelings. He doesn't tell me anything. He told me he loved me yesterday. Today nothing. Maybe he's worried what his parents will say. I know his parents will be behind us either way. Maybe that's his concern. Heck, I don't know. My parents are behind me either way. They want this to work. They want me happy. I will be happy with him. I want to shower him with love. I want to wake him every morning with a kiss. I want to start doing things just us and the kids. I want my life back. Why didn't I do these things before? All I can think of is that movie "Love Dare". All the guy kept saying was "well she aint trying why should I".... That's excatly how we lived our relationship the last couple months. Here I go again... Listening for the sound of his truck. Listening hoping wanting..... Empty is the only feelings I get. I know I will light up when he walks through that door. I'll want to give him a big hug and kisses. Tell him I love him. Tell him he means the world to me. Tell him how much I can't live without him. But I'll be expected to be quiet. Don't push. Don't force. Let him decide on his own time. I told him when we split I needed time to decide what I wanted. I took this time and did that. He instead went out and about. Now he wants the time to think. I'm tryin' so hard not to push. Tryin' so hard not to be in his space. But it's so hard. I don't want another girl to step onto my territory. Twm my love dare is to call him and tell him I'm thinking of him and if he needs anything with no hidden agenda. That will be easy enough if he talks to me. Guess I could just text him. When we split a comment was made that the only things we had in common was drinking and sex. That's not true. We have alot in common. We just chose not to do it. We chose to push each other aside waiting each other to make the first move. To do it all over. What I would give to be able to do it all over. Be able to take that first step for the both of us. I almost wanna get me and the kids together and stand up and all beg him to come home. It's not just me wanting him back. It's all of us. We all want daddy home. We all are begging daddy to come home. I'm dreading in a few mins. He will pull up and once again I'll feel my chest but then will come the part when he leaves. My tears will flow and my chest will hurt. Pain. Pain that's almost unbearable. Pain that tears do not seem to less the weight that bears on it. Pain that causes no sleep. Pain moves through my head to my toes. Pain I don't know how to overcome. Pain that only goes away with his touch, his hugs, his love. My grandfather made a comment after my grandmothers passing that he would rather her be on the couch beside him not knowing who he was then not be there at all. I would rather Chris be here beside me then not here at all. I know how to handle him now. I know how to handle alot more than I did now. I just wish I had that chance to show him. I see wedding rings everywhere now. I hear someone say wife or husband and I cry. I hear anniversarys and my heart sinks. I think of these holidays coming up and I'm scared. I'm not going to make it through these holidays without him. I'm terrified. I'm terrified I'm going to be so doped up on adivan these next couple weeks that I'm going to miss all the things I love about the holidays. I saw the cucumbers in the fridge today and cried. Over darn cucumbers. But I knew who they were for.
So here I am again. Sitting here cryin. Cryin' to mom explaining why I can't understand this. He read this blog. Said he can't trust me. I've done nothing bad enough for him not to try to trust me again. Once again, it's all my fault and he has no faults. He's not done anything to mak this marriage in the state that its in. So this I guess will be day one of my recovery. Day one of tryin to being a life without him. I've prayed and ask God for the strength I need. I need strength. I need time. I need help. I'm going to try to do some reading tonight. Enjoy my kids tonight. They can't see me cry anymore. They can't. I have got to find this strength. He doesn't have the strength to make this work and I can't keep tryin for the both of us. He didnt take his vows seriously and I can't show mine without him. Maybe this is God's way for telling me I need someone better in my life. Need someone who will give me the love I need and be able to give them the love I have to offer. Anger is the next stage. I have hit that tonight. Anger is a horrible thing. Maybe that's how I get over him. I don't hate people so I have to strongly dislike him. Ingore his calls. Ingore him in general. Show him I don't need him. Find inner strength. Somewhere in me I know it's there. Get back out riding and enjoying life. Get back to myself. Start running again. Show the kids that we're fine without him. How do I prepare Nicole for this...... I know what's gonna happen. He will lose contact with her. He will stop callin her . He will stop spendin time with her. I think my anger is more towards his attitude. How can you give up so easily? How can you not want to get help? Cody asked me tonight why daddy made me cry. What do you say to that? Then he hugged me and cried sayin daddy didnt come home. How do you tell them that your daddy has decided he doesn't want a family anymore. Some day I'm going to have to accept him with another woman. I don't know I'm gonna face this. I look in Cody's eyes and all I see is Chris. I have to try to do this. Have to try to accept this. I have to accept that my fantasy of him coming home and making this work is just a fantasy. There will be no family camping trips, no family fishing, no family riding or boating. Just me and the kids having our family adventures. Having our family events. Our family traditions. Our new traditions. Traditions I get to make. No one to call me wife again. Never again will Cody or Nicole come in the bedroom saying "MOM, DAD get up".... Never again. It will only be mom get up. Only be mom can you do this. And this doesn't bother him. This doesn't hit home with him at all. He would rather move on. Make a new family. Make new memories. We were never good enough for him. Never enough. We were too much work. I should have known this. After Cody is when he grew distant. Soon as Cody came he found out marriage was hard. He grew distant then. Didn't wanna but effort into it. The more I tried the more he pulled away. Then I finally got distant. I gave up tryin. I gave up asking. I gave up period. That was my biggest mistake in this marriage. I should have tried harder then. Put in effort for both of us. Got counciling then. Got help then. Instead we expected it to fix itself. We thought things would just work out. Obviously it didnt and here we are. Me cryin and dyin inside, him happy he has nothing to stress anymore. No responsibiltes. No work or effort to have to be put into anything. He can ride, come and go as he pleases, no dinner, cleaning, homework, bathes, laundry to worry about. Nothing. Freedom. Maybe that's what he wanted all along. Maybe it's not all me. Maybe I should take all the blame off of myself. I know I'm not perfect. Not in the least little bit. But Im trying. Thats more than I can say for him. Maybe I'll involve myself harder in work. Put in more hours to keep occupied for a while. Maybe I need to call out all his faults. Faults that even now I forgive. He only wanted to touch me when sex was involved. Only wanted to do things for friends and with friends never with us. Assaulted me three times once in front of Cody. Never wanted to do anything. Quick to place blame but slow to ever accept it. Refused to ever admit he had a problem. Refused to help me around the house, farm, anything. Always wanted to stay in bed. Left me laying in hospital room with our son without even a call due to him being sick even after his mom told me the doctor just said he was exhausted. Him exhausted after I just gave birth to our son, hadnt slept in a week and then back in the hospital for another week. Selfish at times, almost like an only child selfish. Selfish now thinking of only himself instead of his family at home that needs him. Family that is struggling without him and his concern is only himself. Once again only chris. What chris wants. What chris needs. Forget Nicole, Cody and Jennifer. See that anger has kicked in again. Anger that I need to express. Anger I need to get out. Maybe a good scream in the yard will help. You know as much as I feel sorry for myself maybe I need to feel sorry for him. He's gonna miss out not me. He's missing out on all of Cody's new words and phrases. He's missin out on Nicole's cheering practices and her dances. He'll miss out on Cody's first day at school. He'll miss out on Cody and Nicole's eyes when they look at the christmas gifts christmas morning. He's missing Cody's sweet kisses every night and Nicole's wonderful good night hugs. Not me. I get to experience all of it. I can play mommy and daddy for them. I can teach Cody to ride and shoot. I can take Cody and Nicole out on the boat this summer. Take them fishing and camping. Teach Cody to start showing. Me, Nicole and Cody can start showing as a family. Load up and head out. Spend the weekend with my children. Make wonderful memories together he'll miss out on or only see in pictures. I can watch Nicole kill her first deer this year. I can do this. I'm a strong person. I have a wonderful family. I have alot in life to be thankful for. We can make this our year for the better. I can do this. I can. We can make a wonderful family without him. I have nothing but good things to look forward to. I know I will always love him but I'm going to direct all that love I wanted to give him and give the kids lots of extra love and attention. I get to lay down with both my beautiful children tonight and watch cartoons. Not him. He can enjoy his sleep in his bed alone. Alone. That's what he wants. I hope he finds that greener grass he's looking for. Hope he finds that happiness he wants. Hope he finds that "no work" relationship. Wonder if he'll ever relieze what he walked away from. Wonder if he'll ever come to terms with what he has done. The hurt he has caused. The pain he caused his wife and children. Husband what a word he took for granted. Just a title cause he never wanted the job. Never wanted the position. Never wanted any of this and I'm just now reliezing it. But I'll always be the bad person. Always the one at fault. Always the one that caused all of this. One day he'll relieze he wasn't perfect. He wasn't the best husband or father he could have been like I have. Maybe he should have taken the time to use these last couple months to acknowledge his faults instead of concentrating on mine. But that would be too hard. Too hard and too much of an effort. Once again something he hates... work. I can only imagine what he's said at church tonight. Maybe Pastor Bottoms will tell him what a hardheaded jerk he's being. Doubt it. I've been the strong one for mom lately. Helped her take care of nana and dee for the last couple years. Helped her get through both their funerals, stayed in the hospital and with them on their deathbeds until the last moments. Made it through all this family arguements and through all this pain. I can make it through this. I did all that without him. He not once worried about me through all of it. Never once held me or touched me at nana's funeral no matter how much I needed him. Too concerned with facebook the whole time. Wouldn't even sleep with Cody and I. He'll drop off Nicole and wont come in. Doesnt wanna face the music. Doesn't wanna face me. Well, shock to me he walks in and apologizes. Not sure what for. Then Cody asks him why he made mommy cry. Asked him five times. No answer from Chris. I told Cody to stop asking and he said "hush mom I can't hear him I'm tryin to listen". Still no answer. Kids are important, me not so much. He wants to meet with the pastor this week. I called Pastor Bottoms tonight and almost lost it cryin. We meet with him twm at 5pm. I'll post again twm..........